I just thought I’d share this fabulous portrait of Tina and me. Of course she was rather troublesome during the shoot… wouldn’t sit still and wouldn’t look at the camera but then Nicola Gaughan (fabulous photographer http://iconiccreative.smugmug.com/) said something about a Chrysler Crossfire (or was it rabbits?) and click, we were captured. I think she got my best side.

       Taking a break from table dancing.

I’m somewhat unsure about Strictly Come Dancing. Apart from enduring Brucie’s jokes that get worse in every programme (perhaps I should offer myself as script writer, I couldn’t do any worse), it has advantages for a small dog. While Tina is fixated by swivelling hips and fancy footwork, there is an outside chance that she will drop her biscuit in excitement then let me clean up her crumbs.

However, there is a down side. Suddenly I am required to dance!  Now being a dog of Queen Anne legs and small stature, I might be built for the Jive, but the Foxtrot, definitely not. To me slow, slow, quick quick, slow means find a smell, chase a smell, stop and pee on it, then off again. But here I am scooped up, and whisked around the sitting room like a babe in arms being rocked violently to sleep.  

What is a dog to do? The waltz makes me dizzy, the salsa makes me sick, the staccato head whipping in the tango sends me cross-eyed and I dread the American Smooth. All those lifts – I was never meant to be that far off the ground! But the Pasa Doble!! Well actually I make quite a good bull to Tina’s cape. We do have some fun with that, and at least I can stay on the floor.  10! 10! 10! 10! Ole!

Everything I know about men I learnt from a horse! And this book was the result!! 

Both men and horses are beautiful creatures and they each have advantages and merits. But the battle of the sexes will always rage on because men and women just have different ways of looking at the world; despite the efforts of Allan Pease (Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps) and John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) to help us get along better together.  And so for many women, if it comes down to the choice of horse or husband, the horse wins every time. These 100 ways are just a few of the reasons why; a tongue-in-cheek look at the endearing qualities of the horse. 

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Horses are not embarrassed by public displays of affection. You can pet them as much as you like, when you like, anywhere you like and they won’t wriggle or turn crimson. Even your aunty Mavis can descend on them with puckered lips and they don’t bat an eyelid.

You never look at your horse and wonder if you still love him; or what happened to that handsome young colt you fell for all those years ago.

You just know your horse is The One and even if he isn’t you can always keep him AND have another one or two.

If your stallion is getting to be rather too much of a handful you can have his testicles removed to calm him down and make him more compliant. Men seem to object to this.

If another woman says to your horse, ‘Hello big boy, you’re lovely; can I stroke you?’ you feel really quite proud and not at all threatened!

You won’t have to meet your horse’s parents before you commit to each other, nor will you ever have to spend Christmas with them.

Email tina@tlbmedia.com for a signed copy

Ever wondered what your horse really thinks?

Time and time again, I see the horse trying to communicate something to its human and the human just not ‘listening’. The more I know horses, the more I realise it is not the human that does the training, despite what we might think!

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There will at some point be a tussle for the leadership position between you and your human. Humour them and allow them to think they are the boss while quietly watching them muck out your stable, fill your water buckets, pick out your feet and struggle to manhandle a barrow-load of horse pooh. Remember, they frequently work long hours in a job they hate just so that they can pay to do this in their spare time.

Another good bonding exercise is gentle tugging at clothing. Very satisfying if you can find a bit of Velcro; for some reason humans love it when you pull the Velcro apart and they will spend hours sticking it back in place for you to do it again. You may even be rewarded with treats for this trick.

Humans also respond well to voice commands. Try these:

Nervous whinny – use to tell your human you are not very confident about this

Loud nervous whinny – use to tell your human you are very scared

Fire-breathing snort – use to tell your human there is definitely a monster in that hedge and you need to get out of here fast

Most humans will have a fence they don’t like. They usually blame you – ‘he doesn’t like spotty poles’ – while you really don’t care one way or another. You will know which fence this is as your human will kick harder and hold the reins tighter than at any other fence. If they don’t want to jump it then it is only good manners to oblige them. If they jump it on their own, that’s their choice.

Reviews:

Pony Magazine said this book ‘ tells the tale all horses want to tell. This tongue-in-cheek humour book is a guide for any horse or pony on how to get the best from its rider or carer.’

Horse magazine said ‘If you’re feeling a little down in the mouth, this little book is an absolute must. You simply can’t fail to smile as you read the snippets of wisdom written as though from the horse’s perspective. Hilarious, perceptive and reasonably priced, I can see this book being a popular stocking-filler this Christmas.’

Farmer’s Guardian said ‘The author has obviously carefully observed equine behaviour around humans, which makes for some entertaining suggestions.’

http://www.riderborders.com/ said, ‘This tiny book is a painfully perceptive and wildly hilarious exposee of the horse/human relationship as seen through the eyes of your horse.  In the chapter on ‘Taking your Human for a Ride,’ “Mounting steps,” we’re told, “are marvellous. “You can have hours of fun moving away from them just as your human reaches the top step.” And “Spooking is a highly versatile communication tool.” The chapter on ‘stable manners’ is especially amusing. You’ll never be able to look your horse in the eye in quite the same way again, once you’ve laughed your way through this tirelessly funny little ‘training manual!”

Email tina@tlbmedia.com for your signed copy