August 2007


Better than Man

Everything I know about men I learnt from a horse! And this book was the result!! 

Both men and horses are beautiful creatures and they each have advantages and merits. But the battle of the sexes will always rage on because men and women just have different ways of looking at the world; despite the efforts of Allan Pease (Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps) and John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) to help us get along better together.  And so for many women, if it comes down to the choice of horse or husband, the horse wins every time. These 100 ways are just a few of the reasons why; a tongue-in-cheek look at the endearing qualities of the horse. 

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Horses are not embarrassed by public displays of affection. You can pet them as much as you like, when you like, anywhere you like and they won’t wriggle or turn crimson. Even your aunty Mavis can descend on them with puckered lips and they don’t bat an eyelid.

You never look at your horse and wonder if you still love him; or what happened to that handsome young colt you fell for all those years ago.

You just know your horse is The One and even if he isn’t you can always keep him AND have another one or two.

If your stallion is getting to be rather too much of a handful you can have his testicles removed to calm him down and make him more compliant. Men seem to object to this.

If another woman says to your horse, ‘Hello big boy, you’re lovely; can I stroke you?’ you feel really quite proud and not at all threatened!

You won’t have to meet your horse’s parents before you commit to each other, nor will you ever have to spend Christmas with them.

Email tina@tlbmedia.com for a signed copy

Horse Train

 

Ever wondered what your horse really thinks?

Time and time again, I see the horse trying to communicate something to its human and the human just not ‘listening’. The more I know horses, the more I realise it is not the human that does the training, despite what we might think!

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There will at some point be a tussle for the leadership position between you and your human. Humour them and allow them to think they are the boss while quietly watching them muck out your stable, fill your water buckets, pick out your feet and struggle to manhandle a barrow-load of horse pooh. Remember, they frequently work long hours in a job they hate just so that they can pay to do this in their spare time.

Another good bonding exercise is gentle tugging at clothing. Very satisfying if you can find a bit of Velcro; for some reason humans love it when you pull the Velcro apart and they will spend hours sticking it back in place for you to do it again. You may even be rewarded with treats for this trick.

Humans also respond well to voice commands. Try these:

Nervous whinny – use to tell your human you are not very confident about this

Loud nervous whinny – use to tell your human you are very scared

Fire-breathing snort – use to tell your human there is definitely a monster in that hedge and you need to get out of here fast

Most humans will have a fence they don’t like. They usually blame you – ‘he doesn’t like spotty poles’ – while you really don’t care one way or another. You will know which fence this is as your human will kick harder and hold the reins tighter than at any other fence. If they don’t want to jump it then it is only good manners to oblige them. If they jump it on their own, that’s their choice.

Reviews:

Pony Magazine said this book ‘ tells the tale all horses want to tell. This tongue-in-cheek humour book is a guide for any horse or pony on how to get the best from its rider or carer.’

Horse magazine said ‘If you’re feeling a little down in the mouth, this little book is an absolute must. You simply can’t fail to smile as you read the snippets of wisdom written as though from the horse’s perspective. Hilarious, perceptive and reasonably priced, I can see this book being a popular stocking-filler this Christmas.’

Farmer’s Guardian said ‘The author has obviously carefully observed equine behaviour around humans, which makes for some entertaining suggestions.’

http://www.riderborders.com/ said, ‘This tiny book is a painfully perceptive and wildly hilarious exposee of the horse/human relationship as seen through the eyes of your horse.  In the chapter on ‘Taking your Human for a Ride,’ “Mounting steps,” we’re told, “are marvellous. “You can have hours of fun moving away from them just as your human reaches the top step.” And “Spooking is a highly versatile communication tool.” The chapter on ‘stable manners’ is especially amusing. You’ll never be able to look your horse in the eye in quite the same way again, once you’ve laughed your way through this tirelessly funny little ‘training manual!”

Email tina@tlbmedia.com for your signed copy

horse-addict-1.jpg

 

Are you a Horse Addict? Then this book is for you! Know a Horse Addict? Give them a copy too!

Horse addicts come in all shapes, sizes and guises but we are easily recognizable as a unique breed. Anyone who has ever had a horse, or knows anyone with a horse, will also know that horses are more addictive than alcohol and narcotics, can be just as expensive and there isn’t a Betty Ford clinic anywhere that will cure the addiction.

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Female Horse Addict has a wardrobe full of rather nice clothes with the labels still on which she once bought in case she goes somewhere where jodhpurs are not included in the dress code.

A smart jacket means black for affiliated competitions or tweed for riding club. It may also mean the only jacket of any description in the wardrobe not covered in horse slobber.

In the absence of a real pony, Pony Mad Child will prance about as if she is one. She will trot instead of run, canter instead of skip and frequently put in the odd neigh, snort or a spot of head shaking. Don’t be alarmed, this is normal behaviour and she will grow out of it – usually around 50ish.

Email tina@tlbmedia.com for your signed copy

Reviews

Yorkshire Post said, ‘Potentially the best stocking filler of the year; One Hundred Ways to Live with a Horse Addict, could rise up the equestrian better selling lists this Christmas. The £3.99 paperback from Hodder and Stoughton is a very humorous guide to life with a horsy other. There is a hoot a page from the pen of Tina Bettison.’

The British Horse Society said, ‘The perfect gift for horse lovers or non horsy partners, this hilarious book pinpoints the characteristics of all horse addicts and shows that it is possible for addicts and non addicts to live in peace!’