Horse Train


Ever wondered what your horse really thinks?

Time and time again, I see the horse trying to communicate something to its human and the human just not ‘listening’. The more I know horses, the more I realise it is not the human that does the training, despite what we might think!

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There will at some point be a tussle for the leadership position between you and your human. Humour them and allow them to think they are the boss while quietly watching them muck out your stable, fill your water buckets, pick out your feet and struggle to manhandle a barrow-load of horse pooh. Remember, they frequently work long hours in a job they hate just so that they can pay to do this in their spare time.

Another good bonding exercise is gentle tugging at clothing. Very satisfying if you can find a bit of Velcro; for some reason humans love it when you pull the Velcro apart and they will spend hours sticking it back in place for you to do it again. You may even be rewarded with treats for this trick.

Humans also respond well to voice commands. Try these:

Nervous whinny – use to tell your human you are not very confident about this

Loud nervous whinny – use to tell your human you are very scared

Fire-breathing snort – use to tell your human there is definitely a monster in that hedge and you need to get out of here fast

Most humans will have a fence they don’t like. They usually blame you – ‘he doesn’t like spotty poles’ – while you really don’t care one way or another. You will know which fence this is as your human will kick harder and hold the reins tighter than at any other fence. If they don’t want to jump it then it is only good manners to oblige them. If they jump it on their own, that’s their choice.


Pony Magazine said this book ‘ tells the tale all horses want to tell. This tongue-in-cheek humour book is a guide for any horse or pony on how to get the best from its rider or carer.’

Horse magazine said ‘If you’re feeling a little down in the mouth, this little book is an absolute must. You simply can’t fail to smile as you read the snippets of wisdom written as though from the horse’s perspective. Hilarious, perceptive and reasonably priced, I can see this book being a popular stocking-filler this Christmas.’

Farmer’s Guardian said ‘The author has obviously carefully observed equine behaviour around humans, which makes for some entertaining suggestions.’ said, ‘This tiny book is a painfully perceptive and wildly hilarious exposee of the horse/human relationship as seen through the eyes of your horse.  In the chapter on ‘Taking your Human for a Ride,’ “Mounting steps,” we’re told, “are marvellous. “You can have hours of fun moving away from them just as your human reaches the top step.” And “Spooking is a highly versatile communication tool.” The chapter on ‘stable manners’ is especially amusing. You’ll never be able to look your horse in the eye in quite the same way again, once you’ve laughed your way through this tirelessly funny little ‘training manual!”

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